Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Life

I've figured it out, why I write.
`
I haven't been writing in the days since my dad died. Or in the days, weeks, before that even, because he was sick and I couldn't pull myself from knowing it would be quick. I had emotion weighing down each moment, and had those things, life-or-death kinds of things, to tend to. You know?

I spent a lot of time with my parents and sister; time helping, time loving. And I was okay putting my writing aside for a while. This blog took on a sort of lesser quality. From what I thought was my standard, anyway. And my fiction was tucked away, saved, ready for later. Whenever.

But then my everyday real-and-in-person life flagged, too.

I started suspecting the cause was more than losing my father. Because hard as that has been, and continues to be, would it overlap into everything else, the minutiae of daily life as a wife, mother, homemaker? Force my patience and determination to wear, not just thin but through? I've been apathetic. I've been moody. Horrible.

I told my husband something is wrong. That everything--people, my responsibilities, all of it--overwhelms me.

Then last night I had one of those half-lucid brainstorms. The first scene of A Gradual Goodbye, the novel I'm rewriting, floated around in my dreams, delivering me back to the story. The creative coals kindled.

When I woke this morning I headed straight for the computer. Pulled the book up. Worked for a couple hours, felt it for the first time in a long while. Inner peace. And it clicked. The piece I hadn't been able to fit, let alone identify, slid right in its place. I don't know why I didn't realize it before.

It's the writing. Such a defining outlet for me. That creativity, huge. It balances my world, and my mental health.

It makes me happy. That's why I write.

68 comments:

lakeviewer said...

I know that feeling. Glad you got your groove back. When you are ready to publish that novel, we'll be here.

Journaling Woman said...

Yes! Writing is there for you, will wait for you, accept you in any mood or on any day- whenever you are ready. What a friend writing is to those who write.

Prayers and Blessings,
Teresa

Amy Sue Nathan said...

Me too. Thanks for the reminder.

I'm glad you went beack to it today -- anything that makes you happy is something you should do.

MeganRebekah said...

I almost teared up! What a wonderful internal revelation to make!

JLC said...

Oh joy! :D

Sherrinda said...

Oh yes! Writing will always be there for you and willing to heal your heart. May the words flow and your heart smile.

0ff_Center said...

Beautifully said! Writing bandges what nothing else will.

Jessica Nelson said...

I'm so glad you're writing again. Beautiful post.

WordsPoeticallyWorth said...

Go orge too see LOVE of thEE
And buckle back in pram Lacey
And totally stress youre mind
AS mother too was paid in kind!

Motherly Nature was expressed AND repressed with stress congress of caress duress digest! Any one who regretted showing tell of empathy And hell knell was to swell And sum were brothellized! Love Discipulls! Love Andshoorue.

Diane said...

So glad you found your joy again. Hugs, Diane

Joanne said...

So much of life, I think, is writing. Even when we're not at the craft. We're processing all the beautiful, poignant moments that come our way, until one day we return to the page richer for it, somehow. I'm glad writing is there for you at this time.

Brenda@Cozy Little House said...

It's so therapeutic. But I know. You can't always find it. You often have to let it come find you.
Brenda

Karen said...

Oh, it is your gift. You move and delight people in your words. Glad to see your heart and mind lightened. It does take time. Blessings**

Robin said...

It's like finding an old friend. I know the feeling. I didn't write for the longest time. And, then when I started again, it was like plugging into an electric socket. Coming alive. Not really sure how to explain it. I am glad that you found the missing piece.

Slamdunk said...

Thanks for sharing. I am glad that you have found a creative outlet during this difficult time. God bless you and I hope you find inspiration.

Karen Lange said...

I can relate. Am still praying for you:) Glad to see you again.
Blessings and hugs,
Karen

ChristaCarol said...

Yes, this! I've had one of those epiphany moments too, when I didn't realize why everything was so negative in m,y life until I realized the one thing I'd been lacking: my creative outlet.

I'm glad you're back on it :)

Jill said...

You don't just write. You communicate. And you do it so beautifully! Glad you've regained your balance.

myletterstoemily said...

so glad you found what makes
you happy. so write!

Nadine said...

Beautiful post. ((hugs))

Capri K said...

Welcome home.
Still praying for you, your family, and your sad heart.

Melanie Avila said...

::hugs::

I'm the same way. My goal is to journal at least once a week, but I sometimes go almost a month and I start to feel off-balance. The importance of that outlet can't be pushed aside.

Wendy Paine Miller said...

I think in some sort of odd way my characters helped me get through my dad's death. She'd been through it. ;)

I am here.
~ Wendy

Jeanette Levellie said...

Oh, Janna, I'm so happy for you, dear.

We've all been in that dark place of the soul where nothing fits and every thing and person can't understand our brokenness. Then the light comes through, and the tears are from release and joy, rather than pain.

Praise Jesus you broke through the clouds!

I am hugging you today,
Jen

Cindy said...

Writing is its own kind of therapy. I'm glad it's helped you. I'll keep you in my prayers, Janna.

~Nicole Ducleroir~ said...

I'm sorry to learn you lost your father. As I read this, I saw so much of myself in your words. I'm not grieving a loss, but a stress-filled life that leaves little time for writing has wiggled its way into my experience. This post resonated with me. Time to pull out my WiP and start living again.

Amanda said...

Beautifully written. Praying for you and your family!
*hugs*

Rebecca Nazar said...

When 'in the groove', writing is an exquisite experience, even for a cranky pants like me.

Continued balance and outlet-ing. : )

Jen said...

I know that feeling all to well, it's silly that sometimes we lose ourselves and then within a matter of seconds we realize that we found ourselves just by sitting at a computer and reading the words we wrote, deciphering the code that controls our lives. The love of writing is so powerful and sometimes we just need to be reminded!

septembermom said...

Happy that writing helps you "breathe" again :) I'm thinking of you Janna. Your words are there for you. I'm glad that your amazing creativity is always there for you :)

Glynis said...

Janna, I am so pleased you have been able to write again. Writing is my therapy as well.

May you continue to find the words to lift you onto publication. :)

Deb Shucka said...

So glad you're giving yourself the oxygen of writing, the healing water of your creative heart. Sending you love and prayers.

Susan J. Reinhardt said...

Hi Jana -

I'm so sorry about your father's passing.

Writing helped me through the dark days of my husband's illness and death. You will come through this time and laugh again.

Blessings,
Susan

T. Anne said...

Aww, hugs! That's why I write too. Feel better.

Kara said...

So glad you found that peace again:) Beautifully said:)

Melissa Marsh said...

Exactly why I write, too. You said it perfectly, Janna. :-)

Hugs to you...

Erin Frost said...

I love this post. Simple. Healing. I hope I get to read that novel someday!

Melissa Sarno said...

What a fantastic post. Sometimes the balance isn't there, but when you find it, it's pure bliss. Good luck with your re-write. Now that you've found the missing piece, I can only imagine that it gets even better from there.

Carol J. Garvin said...

Writing is such a simple yet complex act. It's both therapeutic and frustrating. It's the most fulfilling way we have of expressing the intangible. So I'm glad you found your way back to it and it's making you happy again.

Blessings to you!

Janna Qualman said...

I have to say, all of you, this connection we have, it's a big part of the piece, too.

Kristen Torres-Toro said...

I'm so glad you were able to write again! I'm so glad it's a small part of bringing healing in your grief.

Tabitha Bird said...

Yep. I hear ya. It makes me happy too :)

Beth said...

This is just...wow. Writing makes me a MUCH happier person. Isn't it wonderful that you can take all of your frustrations, fears, happiness, and tears and make your characters just THAT more identifiable?

I think you are a warrior...welcome back :)

Erica Chapman said...

Writing is a wonderful outlet for all that emotion we have inside. I lost my dad too. I'm so sorry that you had to experience that. In time, I became stronger. The days weren't as bad as the one before. I wasn't able to verbalize anything, so writing became my expression.

Beautiful post. I'm so glad you found your writing voice again ;o)

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Sharla said...

Ditto ditto ditto!!! I'm in a rut right now and now that some chaos has calmed I need to get back into my writing. It's what keeps me sane.

So glad that you have found your way back to yours, and that it is helping your heart heal! Love you girl.

graceunderpressure said...

To answer the question, Yes. Grief can certainly spill over into the everday minutiae of life.

xox

Anonymous said...

Oh Dear Heart,
I am so very proud of you and the way God has given you to Bless others. You have what it takes and your Daddy was so very proud of you too. You will go on and be a wonderful example for others. We all need someone to look up to and you will be that to many. I love each word you said and it is such a joy to know that "YOU ARE BACK" doing what brings joy to others.
Love you much, Janna. I know you have been a great part of what has helped your momma, Jill, Dwayne and all of us get through the loss of a very special person in our lives. We will continue to help each other when it overpowers us. Look forward to the get-togethers
that have always been a part of our family. Making more memories.
God Bless you,
Aunt Bernia

Midlife Jobhunter said...

"I don't know why I didn't realize it before."

Wouldn't life be easy if we could figure it out so easily. Glad you are writing. Sometimes we just need the smoke to clear to see ahead. How cliche is that? But true. Be kind to yourself.

Carolina Valdez Miller said...

I've been there. More than once. It's strange how we turn away from a passion when we are hurting, and even odder yet that this same passion can be what helps us to stop hurting so much.

I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm so glad you're finding your way out from under the overwhelming burden of sorrow.

Donna M. Kohlstrom said...

I'm sorry I have been away and not there to send you words of comfort, prayers and hugs. My heart goes out to you for all the grieving and loss you're going through. I pray that you and your family will feel the Comforter's arms and healing touch.

carissa @ lowercase letters said...

you are an amazing writer! so glad you can have an outlet to express yourself so well through writing. i lost my dad when i was 9, so i know the pain all too well! i'm so sorry for your loss.

Kathy said...

Good post.

I agree, Janna. I've had some bad stuff happening in the past few weeks and I turned to writing my blog to help me get through it.

She Writes said...

Me too. Me too.

WendyCinNYC said...

I'm so glad to hear you're finding happiness.

KittenGoddess said...

I suffer chronic depression, I know how hard it can be to write when life seems too hard. You've been through a very tough time, you're doing brilliant, keep writing, you'll heal in your own way.
I love reading your blog, it inspires me to write, I've not commented much, just thought I'd let you know anyway.

colbymarshall said...

That feeling is so familiar to me. Take your time and let the energy seep back into you. I'm with you- I can only do real writing when I "feel" it. *hugs* I'm glad you're moving in the right direction :-)

Analisa said...

Wonderful. Our experiences good and bad play such a vital role in how we create. Glad that some peace has come for you in that.


God bless.

Janna Qualman said...

You guys have all said the kindest things. Thanks, from each little heartfelt corner of my body.

Heather Sunseri said...

That was great, Janna! And I know exactly what you mean!

Corinne Bowen said...

I'm so happy to have found your blog through your comment! I'm so glad to hear that you've found your way back to the page. Looking forward to learning more about you. Wishing you the best during this difficult time.

Leah said...

Thank you for stopping by Musings Aloud...I enjoyed your insight/input on my make~up post.

I, too, have been inspired through dreams; I'm glad you've discovered the meaning and value writing has for you.

Be blessed..

Julie Gillies said...

Hi Janna,
Thank you for visiting my blog and leaving your thoughtful comment.

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Life sometimes forces us writers from the pen, yet the pen waits always. So glad you found the inspiration to pick it back up again.
Blessings!

Purple Cow said...

Sorry about your father.
Take care of yourself.
Keep writing if that's what makes you happy.
Use it as a release.
You do it so well.

Natalie said...

I'm glad you're back at it. I think writing can be pretty therapeutic sometimes. But there are times when there are too many other worries to focus on writing and that's okay too.

April said...

Though I haven't experienced tragedy such as yours, I've experienced my own tragedies in life, and you're right...finally opening up the Word document and typing away, feeling everything click together back into place - not just in your story but in your life - is an extaordinary thing.

April said...

I'm Alpha Echo on AW. :) Thanks for commenting! It absolutely thrills me that you enjoy reading my posts! Your comments mean a lot! Thank you!

Nishant said...

What a friend writing is to those who write.
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Michele | aka Raw Juice Girl said...

Wow.

Janna, this post is so refreshing and beautiful. You're such an inspiration!!

I'm glad you're finding your groove again!!

Hugs,
Michele